Pyro Unflamed
by batman100
Summary: The X-Men do a riveting, rip-roaring parody of the new Quentin Tarantino film. And, naturally, Pyro gets to bask in the limelight!
1. Chapter 1

**Pyro Unflamed**

**A/N: This is my first full movie parody. After seeing Django Unchained at theatres, I've wondered how it would be like in an X-Men Evo style. This should cover all parts of the movie. Anyway, hope you like it!**

**Scene 1: A Good, Cold Evening**

We open on a rocky desert trail in the Deep South in 1864 where a line of mutant slaves is being transported. One of them has marks on his back and has a flame thrower attached to his back. That is, our hero Pyro.

"All right! I get to be the main character! GO ME!" Pyro whooped for joy.

Jean, wearing a fitting director's hat and sitting in the director's chair smacked Pyro with a shoe "Shaddup. Start the title music"

_Pyro! Pyro, have you always been a flame? _Remy chorused as the slave trail carried onward on their journey

_Pyro! Pyro, have you never burnt again? Once you burnt her, whoa-oh oh, it burns on, whoa-oh, though you cannot spend the day regretting_. Gambit sang as the slaves walked through the forest

_Pyro! Pyro, you must face another day. Pyro! Pyro, now your love life's gone to blaze. Once you loved her, whoa-oh, oh, but you've lost her forever Pyro_ Gambit continued singing as the slaves now traversed across a mountain

"Do I **really** have to wear this? It doesn't quite…fit my heritage" Kurt complained, dressed in his Schultz costume as he and Scott were in the backstage

"You'll do good, Kurt. Trust me when I say you have a lot of action scenes." Scott coaxed, trying to get Kurt motivated

"All right then, I'm convinced" Kurt complied, donning his Schultz hat before hopping onto his carriage, driven by Lancitty.

"Hey! Why am **I** in the back?! You said **Kitty**, not me!" Lance snapped, as he was in his panto-horse costume. Kitty, conveniently, was in the front

"It's just something to follow the script. Now get in there, your scene's starting!" Jean hissed, as Lance rolled his eyes and got into acting as he started walking. We see the slaves now walking through a forest. It is now evening. The slaves' masters, Ace Speck, and Larry Speck walk on by on their steeds when a bright light appears through the trees

"Hold it! Turn that light off, or I'll shoot!" Fred barked, his pistol drawn. Todd did the same

"Come now, come now. I'm just a weary traveler." Kurt replied calmly, entering the clearing on his carriage, which had a large wooden tooth on the carriage roof, supported by a spring "Good cold evening, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself; I'm Kurt Schultz, this is my horse Vince" Kurt said politely as Lancitty nodded as well, horse's version of saying hello.

"Hmmph. She gets the front of the costume, and what about me? The role I got was the Kemosabe (1) in this stinkin costume!" Lance snapped in disgust

"Wrong Western film!" Jean hissed at Lance, waving her hand, signaling Todd to continue.

"State your name and business fancy-pants" Todd snorted as Kurt stepped off the carriage, heading for the slaves, holding onto his lantern

"I believe amongst you is a keen specimen I must acquire" Kurt stated, inspecting all the slaves before stopping at Evan, sporting a gruff beard.

"Good sir, I do not mean harm; I am looking for a group known as the Brittle Brothers. The members are Raj, Big John and Ellis Brittle. Unfortunately; I do not know what they look like, which is why I hope you can point them out" Kurt said, informing Evan of his true motives. Evan, however, is completely oblivious of what Kurt stated, and the whole sub-plot of this parody.

"Oi! I know them!" An Australian-accented voice cried out. At that second, Kurt continues passing by the slaves until he stops and faces Pyro, who did indeed say said previous quote

"What's your name?" Kurt asked curiously, examining Pyro by holding the lantern up to his face to get a closer look

"Pyro" Pyro whispered in a faint, gruff voice before whispering "Can I set the forest on fire?"

"NO! **ANYTHING** but _that_" Jean roared, glaring at Pyro.

"Then you're just the man I'm looking for. What do you know of the Brittle Brothers?" Kurt asked, hoping that Pyro would provide information

"There's about…three of…them. Big John… Raj… and Ellis Brittle" Pyro panted, emphasizing on the three names

"HEY! Stop talkin to him!" Fred barked, breaking the silence. Kurt stepped forward, hoping to break the hostility

"What?" Kurt asked, pretending to have not heard what Fred was saying

"Stop talking to him like that!" Fred repeated, rifle drawn

"Gentlemen; there is no need for violence. I'm here to negotiate a transfer" Kurt confessed

"No sale. Beat it" Fred huffed

"Now gentlemen; surely not in front of these poor folks" Kurt begged

"*Move* it" Todd growled, cocking his rifle

"Oh very well" Kurt heaved, dropping his lantern, instantly pulling out his pistol and within seconds, shot down Todd, blasting him onto the ground in a heap, then turned and shot Fred in the naughty bits (2) who fell onto the ground, his horse providing the damaging weight

"Aaaaarrgh!" Fred screamed in pain, infuriated by Kurt shooting Todd, ignoring the loud cheers in the background

"I shot Toad! Yay me!" Kurt whooped before getting back into character. "Would you hold this, please?" Kurt asked, handing his lantern and rifle over to Evan before heading over to Pyro and unbuckling his shackles on his feet and manacles on his arms.

"Now step back and watch a free mutant strode!" Pyro boasted, over-dramatically throwing off his cloth, making slow-motion steps before coming to Todd and relieving him of his coat and weapons. Kurt then approached the now freed slave group

"Now you are on free ground, and the way I see it, you have two choices; you can accompany us on the free road and find a new meaning to existence, or you can stay here, shoot the Speck brother and find your own way to freedom. Oh and if there are any astronomy aficionados amongst you, the North Star is that one." Kurt indicated, directing the slaves' attention to a brightly shining star over the north area of the woods "Tata" Kurt replied, heading off on his carriage, with Pyro following, now with Todd's former horse.

"Can-can we talk about this over coffee?" Fred replied pathetically before Evan gunned him down.

"And CUT!" Jean hollered on her megaphone as the X-Men started striking the set

"Geez, Kurt, why the hell did you up and shoot me? Don't you know you're supposed to shoot first and ask questions **later**?" Todd snapped, wiping off the fake blood off of his costume

"Nice entrance. So who do **I** play?" Scott asked, apparently anxious of his role

"You get to play the town marshal" Jean answered, continuing "And yes, you can have a pistol added to your costume"

"I get to star as a gunman! Go me!" Scott whooped

**(1)- Kemosabe; from the Lone Ranger movie**

**(2)- Monty Python reference. Probably a joke to replace the word 'penis' or 'crotch' or whatever. Review and comment! Until next time!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Pyro Unflamed**

Scene 2: The Importance of Being a Bounty Hunter

"Ok, now has **everyone** got their parts memorized for the sheriff shooting scene?" Jean asked Roberto, as he, Hank, Scott, Ray, and a few extras were in the backstage area. Kurt and Pyro were conveniently getting on their costumes

"Yes, I did it seven times! The only question I have is…do I **really** have to get shot since I have only one scene? Just **one** little moment on camera?!" Roberto snapped hysterically before Rogue strode up and thwacked him up the head

"Sheesh, you're such a whiner. All you do is get in the bar, you talk with Kurt, Kurt shoots you, you **pretend** to be shot, you fall on the fake ground, end of story, whoopee" Rogue snorted, throttling Roberto madly

"Wait a minute, hold it…is the original film directed by…you-know-who?" Bobby asked suspiciously.

"Er…Voldemort?" Ray joked, as Jean gave him a menacing glare

"No, it's **not** Voldemort, it's Quentin Tarantino, you idiot!" Jean hissed before snapping into action "Now get your butt moving, your scene's coming up" then headed for her megaphone "Quiet on the set!"

"…Squealer" Pietro heckled back, wearing his KKK outfit

"I heard that wise guy!" Jean hissed before turning to Kurt and Pyro "Ok; no pressure, just stick to the script and things should be fine"

"You got it Sheila" Pyro grinned, giving Jean a thumbs-up. Jean just nodded then hollered "and…ACTION!"

We now see Kurt and Pyro entering through the town of Mississippi, where conveniently there is a mutant slave trade going on as several shackled mutants are being escorted through the streets. Kurt and Pyro, however, pass by; almost as if they were completely invisible

"So; do you know what a bounty hunter is?" Kurt asked, as he poured two mugs of beer as Pyro sat at one of the bar tables

"You kill people…and they give you a reward, right?" Pyro asked before whispering to Kurt "Awesome, mate! Can I just please burn down the bar?"

"Ah; bigger they are than the reward. You see, they place a bounty on their head, like a large price for whoever can catch or kill him. So, you kill the wanted person and they give you full payment." Kurt explained. Kurt then places his and Pyro's mug on the table

"Jean; I'm just saying, does Pyro **always** have to make these prolonged pauses while speaking? It doesn't seem…you know, hip." Bobby confessed as he watched the scene from backstage

"It's accustomed to the character role. And remember; Pyro **does** have the central role, so word of advice: do not, under **any** circumstances, try to get him upstaged or I'll have **you** credited as one of the slain thugs in the cotton yard scene. Have I made myself perfectly clear?" Jean hissed. Bobby slowly acknowledged

"Now; what brings me to the point of freeing you is that I'm looking for the Brittle Brothers. However, I do not know what they look like, but **you** do, right?" Kurt asked as Pyro started to have memories of his experience.

"They caught my wife; and they sold her. But I don't know who took her. She works as an entertainer at a plantation." Pyro said, stating the facts while Jean signaled for Roberto to get on set

"So that means we visit every plantation; and when the final Brittle brother lies in the dust, I agree to give you your freedom. And in return; I'll take you to rescue your beloved wife" Kurt proposed, as he and Pyro clinked their mugs. Kurt then glanced and saw Roberto heading their way

"And as if on cue…here come the sheriff" Kurt grunted, getting up and heading for the door, signaling Pyro to stay there

"How may I help you Sheriff?" Kurt asked calmly as Roberto eyed him with an irate look

"What are you doing with that mutie? Can't you see it's scaring all the women and children" Roberto barked

"Oh come now; he means no harm at all" Kurt explained before seeing Roberto get his pistol. Kurt then approached and- instantly, a pocket derringer appears out of his arm pocket and instantly shoots Roberto.

"Aaaargh! Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Avenge me Harry Osborn! AVENGE ME!" Roberto screamed hysterically, recoiling over the gunshot

"He's blowing his lines" Jean moaned, slapping her forehead before screaming "You're supposed to do that SILENTLY, you moron!"

"Geez, I shoulda known that. Well, there goes my Oscars award. And…urk!" Roberto choked, dropping flat on the ground. Wanda then fainted and the extras just stood there, doing nothing

"What? You're supposed to panic! Scream! Run like crazy! This guy shot the sheriff!" Jean snapped in disgust

"He didn't shoot the deputy." Warren piped up. In fury, Jean stomped up to him and thwacked him up the head

"Ow! Geez, what the hell was **that** for?" Warren asked

"This is a **movie**, not a **Bob Marley** music video, for crying out loud!" Jean hissed. And like that, the extras did indeed run off the set, screaming hysterically

"There! See? **That's** how you do movie magic!" Jean gasped before snatching Pyro's mug

"Hey!" Pyro snapped as Jean guzzled it down in one large gulp before belching loudly

"….Ok then…" Kurt muttered sheepishly as Jean staggered off set drunkenly

"Take five everybody! We're gonna get LAID (1)" Jean screamed off set. The X-Boys whooped loudly, as the opening of beers can be heard

"Oh dear…Hopefully, the North Star isn't pointing **this** way!" Kurt moaned as Jean downed several Coors

"I hear ya; if Galileo saw this; the moon would **still** be flat!" Pyro joked


	3. Chapter 3

**Pyro Unflamed**

**Scene 3- Addressing the Marshal**

"Now; where was I then?" Kurt asked, as he re-entered the bar with Pyro sitting at the table.

"You were talking about finding the Brittle brothers and freeing me wife" Pyro said, having memorized what was said in Scene 2

"At least he got his lines right." Jean commented in backstage before motioning for Scott to get on camera

"Who's in there? Come out of that bar with your hands up!" Scott ordered, wearing a fitting marshal's uniform and holding a rifle

"Is this the Marshal I have the manner of addressing?" Kurt's voice asked behind the bar doors

"Yes. Now come out, you and that mutie, hands up" Scott repeated. Kurt and Pyro got up and headed for the door.

"Just follow my lead. Don't say anything" Kurt instructed. Pyro nodded as both exited the pub

"I must inform you your dearly departed sheriff Roberto Sharp is actually a wanted outlaw. I am a professional bounty hunter; thus, by accordance with the Criminal Courts of the United States of America; the bounty for this wanted man is a total of $12,000. It is highly legal" Kurt stated, as Pyro stood by him, acknowledging

"I'll be darned" Scott remarked, after a brief pause before handing Kurt a bag of money

"Gee, that was easy" Bobby commented backstage as Pietro examined himself in his Calvin Candie outfit

"This suit itches, and I don't know why the hell I'm supposed to have a bleedin' rose on my lapel!" Pietro protested, as he struggled with adjusting his cuff links

"Do I **really** have to explain?" Bishop asked, fully dressed in his Stephen costume

"Look; you're a tough guy, right?" Jean asked. Bishop nodded

"And you're good being the boss, right?" Jean asked again. Bishop nodded again before saying "Just what am I supposed to be like?"

Jean took a deep breath and said "Let me put it this way; you're a Samuel L. Jackson fan, right? You've seen his films, know all his catchphrases, even made us watch Snakes on a Plane a million times; it should motivate you! Now get in there and do the utmost **awesome** Samuel L. Jackson impersonation you can pull off! Trust me, you're gonna do fabulous!"

Kurt and Pyro are now camped out in the desert area again. Kurt's warming up a can of beans. Pyro's eating out of one

"How do you like the bounty hunting business?" Kurt asked thoughtfully

"Kill anti-mutants and they pay you for it. What's **not** to like?" Pyro answered enthusiastically.

"So; I propose we head for the plantations in the winter. And when we do find the Brittle brothers and dispose of them; I'll guarantee your wife will be yours again" Kurt proposed. Pyro nodded and shook his hand

"Gee; this is starting to be a **lot** like the Tarantino version" Scott commented before launching into acting as Kurt and Pyro headed for his cabin

"Marshal" Kurt greeted, as he and Pyro trotted by

"Kurt, Pyro. Come on in and have some cake if you'd like. We just had a birthday recently" Scott said, letting the two enter

"Your proposition is acceptable (1)" Kurt commented as they entered

"So where the hell do **I** come in?!" Cable hissed, wearing his Big Daddy costume. Jean then strode up and thwacked him and Roberto up the head

"*That* was for overacting. And **that** was for stealing the limelight" Jean hissed before turning to the stage "And CUT!"

"Jean; tell me again **why** do I have to be placed in a box **naked**?" Ororo asked nervously, a towel wrapped over her as she prepped on her Broomhilda costume

"It's for emphasis. Just think majestic, you'll do fine" Jean replied before opening a Coors bottle

"Yeah, she says 'majestic'. I kinda think you mean doing a Full Monty" Ororo grumbled, heading for her dressing room before a loud scream echoed

"STORM! BABY! IT'S NOT…." Shipwreck babbled in the dressing closet

"What's going on **now**?" Jean moaned as screams were heard in Ororo's cabin

"GET OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM, YOU INCOMPETENT PEABRAIN!" Ororo bellowed, hurling Shipwreck out of the dressing room and on top of an unwary Todd

"Oi! Right on the flabby ol' ground!" Shipwreck blubbered, in a drunken Cockney accent

"Ugh…not on the ground **again**." Todd moaned, slapping his forehead


	4. Chapter 4

**Pyro Unflamed**

**Scene 4- Meet the Brittles**

We now see Kurt and Pyro at what appears to be a costume shop. Pyro glances through the outfits as Kurt explains their strategy

"Now; in order to be unnoticed by the plantation owners of our true intentions; we shall put on what they call an act." Kurt explained as Pyro listened

"An act?" Pyro asked confusedly

"Hmmph. Tough words from a pyromaniac. So far he hasn't burnt anything." Logan grunted

"…*Yet*" Jean hissed

"Now then; I shall play the role of a dentist; whilst you, Pyro, act as my valet. And you shall select whichever costume suits you. Anyone you like" Kurt finished, as Pyro had set his eyes on an Austin Powers-like outfit

"Whoa whoa whoa! Hold it! You're using Austin Powers jokes? This isn't a parody! More of a bloody mockery if you ask me!" Pietro huffed in disgust before Jean grabbed him by the shirt collar

"One more tiny little comment and ah'll declare yer bosom'll be hangin' on a burnin' cross. Y'hear?" Jean hissed in a Southern accent before releasing him and saying "CUT!"

"WHAT?! You crazy? We just…" Pyro started, having put on his costume

"We're just skipping the Big Daddy sequence. It takes too much scenery" Jean stated

"HEY!" Cabel shouted, irate

"Let's just get to the Brittle brothers scene, just to speed things up" Jean ordered

One skipped prolonged scene later…

We see Pyro approach Duncan, whipping X23 "Big John!" Pyro hollered. Duncan turned and faced him, only for Pyro to shoot him in the chest, three flame-thrower laced bullets to boot

"I like the way you burn" Pyro grimly joked as Duncan hit the dust. Caliban snuck up, only for Pyro to grab him, throw him to the ground, snatch Duncan's whip and whip the (bleeping) dirt outta him.

"LOOK AT ME!" Pyro roared, shooting Caliban in the head multiple times before Kurt burst in

"What's going on?" Kurt asked shocked before seeing Alex ride away through the field

"That's Ellis Brittle. Those two there were Big John and Raj" Pyro explained, rifle in sight

"You sure?" Kurt asked

"What's that mean?" Pyro asked confusingly

"It means I'm certain" Kurt replied, shooting Alex's head off, falling off the horse, blood spurting over the cotton plants

"Let it be known in this fanfic from time to time, adult supervision **is** required" Jean stated to the camera before cackling maniacally, stopping and aiming her pistol at the camera

"Don't touch that dial" Jean remarked, taking aim and…

**BLAM**


	5. Chapter 5

**Pyro Unflamed**

**Scene 5- Bonjour, Monsieur Candie**

We now see Kurt and Pyro meeting at a pub in Mississippi as they go through a list of plantation owners. They continue to look until Kurt sees one

"Pietro Candie. That's the gentleman that owns your wife." Kurt announced as Pyro eagerly listened to Kurt's next step

"I get to run a plantation **and** own Storm? GO ME!" Pietro whooped.

"Oh funny, Pietro, **FUNNN-EEEE**!" Ororo hissed sarcastically before commenting "And would someone please tell Todd to **stop** taking photos of me naked!"

"It's for science!" Todd protested insanely as Peter and Hank chased after him, trying to get him into a straightjacket

"Sounds like too much of a Tarantino film…" Scott muttered as Jean rolled her eyes

"Yeah, and **why** did you skip my scenes?" Cable asked infuriated

"We did that to make this parody more appropriate" Jean explained as Cable huffed

"Is this thing on right?" Wanda asked, straightening her Miss Lora outfit.

"Three…two…" Jean whispered, covering her ears

"WHERE IS MY **BEAUTIFUL SISTER?**" Pietro hollered excitedly, hassling an equally embarrassed Wanda, only for an infuriated Scott, Ray, Remy, Roberto, Logan and Warren to pin him to the ground, kicking and beating them silly

"Maybe doing this was a bad idea…" Jean moaned as the backstage brawl roared on while Ororo hid in the corner

"Next time, can we do Man with the Iron Fists?" Bobby asked

"*NO!* DON'T EVEN **THINK** ABOUT IT!" Jean thundered, as Pietro went flying into the dressing room

"Hold on a minute, Monsieur Candie; I's forgot to tell ya somethin" Bishop stammered in a gravelly voice, trotting along backstage in his Stephen costume, cane, suit, makeup and all before an equally irate Jean chloroformed him

"Not **yet**!" Jean hissed before Scott hustled him over to his dressing room and motioning Kurt and Pyro to speed up

"So; we go in there and free her?" Pyro asked

"First; that would be like asking an owner to make an offer so ridiculous he cant afford to say no to. So we use that strategy; thus in truth, we get your wife" Kurt proposed before warning "And **remember**, do **not** blow your cover. Understood?"

"Yep" Pyro nodded, before the two clinked their glasses


	6. Chapter 6

**Pyro Unflamed**

**Scene 6- A Different Kind of Candyland**

Kurt and Pyro are seen entering the mongoose fighters' club. Both approach the front door. Kurt knocks, and Magneto opens the door

"Ah, you must be Erik Moguay, I presume." Kurt said, introducing himself. Pyro silently nodded

"Indeed I am. Monsieur Candie is expecting you; do come in" Erik responded, gesturing the two to enter. Zooming in on the club's settings

"Gee, sounds a lot like the cabin from Inglorious Bas…" Bobby started off backstage before Jean rapidly covered his mouth

"Shut your mouth!" Jean hissed, chloroforming him before escorting him to his dressing room, only to find…

"SHIPWRECK! GET OUT! AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" Jean shrieked, mortified as she saw Shipwreck in a cloth-made toga with Ororo dressed as a Greek muse

"…Please don't ask. This is so **humiliating**…" Ororo moaned, tossing a fiery glare at an inebriated Shipwreck

"Hey momsy, how's about me being in this parody? Or whatever" Shipwreck blubbered drunkenly as Jean recoiled in disgust

"You're **shot**." Jean commented flatly before within seconds, Scott leapt out of nowhere and pinned Shipwreck to the ground, the impact causing Ororo to topple over Jean

"How's **that** for putting marinade in my costume?!" Scott cackled, trying to give Shipwreck the Heimlich maneuver

Kurt and Pyro, listening to what sort of madness was transpiring backstage; simply ignored it and carried on

"Oh and he prefers to be called Monsieur Candie. He's a Francophile" Erik explained as the three approached the bar room

"He speaks French then?" Kurt asked curiously. Erik shook his head "No, please don't speak French in front of him. It's embarrassing" and opened the door to a most bizarre event

"Come on! You got him! Harder, boy! Harder!" Pietro hollered, as Evan and Duncan were engaging in a savage mongoose fight.

"Let me get this straight: You added **Duncan** to be in this slaughterhouse of a fight scene? That's hardcore" Logan chuckled, taking a swig of beer

"This isn't quite the role I had in **mind**." Evan groaned, taking a hard blow to Duncan's lower bits as Kurt and Pyro watched in shock and astonishment

"May I assist you in some way?" Pietro asked, having spotted our two protagonists. Kurt and Pyro nodded "Then come on over. We got us a fight goin on that's a good bit of fun."

"You call this piece of garbage **fun**?! I call it an **urkk**!" Duncan gagged as Evan right-crossed him before being pinned to the floor. Cheers echoed through the room

"YES! WOOO! HOO HOO HOO!" Pietro screamed excitedly, indeed hamming it up

"Dear God of the Marvel Universe, what have I **done**?" Jean moaned, rubbing her sore head before completely losing sense and cheering also

"Huh. Now **there's** somethin' you don't see every day." Scott commented to the reader, watching Jean's cheering

"Now **FINISH HIM** (1)" Pietro roared, tossing Evan a hammer. Evan grabbed it with accuracy and, without flinching, raised it over Duncan's head

"Um, Jean? Is this **really** appropriate for this parody?" Scott asked nervously as Jean watched with anticipation, munching on popcorn "Want some?" Jean asked, holding an extra bag

"Oy vey" Scott groaned, taking the bag, sitting down and munching as Duncan started coughing up blood

"Oh God, I cant look…." Rogue whimpered, covering her eyes as Evan hammered Duncan a mere six times with the mallet before delivering one savage blow to the head. Evan then stood up and roared triumphantly

"Mein gott, that was brutal!" Kurt commented, horrified

"Tell me about it. I got one **hell** of a bleedin' headache!" Duncan rasped as he weakly headed for backstage "Medic…" He wheezed before collapsing

"Atta boy, son! Enjoy that beer now. You earned it" Pietro chuckled as Evan walked out victoriously, Remy and Ray supporting him. Pyro then headed for the bar, with Nick Fury seated next to him

"And what's **your** name?" Fury asked

"Pyro." Pyro answered. "Can you spell it?" Fury asked. "P Y R O" Pyro answered before pausing and adding, "The P is silent"

"Interesting." Fury commented, exiting. Pyro grinned and uttered, "Always wanted to say that" before Kurt stood next to him and Pietro approached the two, a coconut drink cocktail in his hand

"Gentlemen; you did have my curiosity. But **now** you have my attention." Pietro uttered, a wave of foreshadowing to commence in the next courses of this parody

"And this is where **my** broadcast day begins" Bishop chuckled, putting the finishing touches on his costume before seeing a badly bruised Duncan approach him, pistol drawn

"I…count six shots" Duncan wheezed. Bishop snorted and pulled out two revolvers.

"Well now, **I** count two guns" Bishop quipped before taking aim "And two broken kneecaps" and shooting out Duncan's knees as Jean and Scott watched in awe

"How more violent can this parody get?" Jean asked in wonder

"Who knows what can happen?" Scott laughed carelessly

**Actually, in Scene 7…. A LOT**


	7. Chapter 7

**Pyro Unflamed**

**Chapter 7: A Very Merry Unwelcome Home**

"Ok, Storm, I know you're not gonna really like this about your scene, but…" Warren drawled nervously while escorting a blindfolded and still naked Ororo onto the set

"Warren, so help me if you do not remove this from… WHAT?!" Ororo gasped in fright upon seeing the wooden box on the set "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

"Um… security?" Warren whimpered as an irate Ororo started to strangle him as Lance, Peter, Ray and Roberto tried in vain to restrain her

"Jean? Jean? We're about to start it up again. Jean?" Scott asked, tapping his wife's shoulder. Jean, however, was completely zonked out, exhausted out of her system, snoring loudly, drooling from her mouth, muttering random things incoherently

"Oi! Summers! What's the big kerfaffel? Hurry it up will ya?" Pyro barked. Scott rolled his eyes, gently nudged Jean off the director's couch-and conveniently on top of an unsuspecting Logan

"How many times have I said this, Summers? I am **NOT** a pillow! Got it?!" Logan snapped as Jean wrapped her arms around his neck

"Ugh, so much for dignity." Scott grumbled, grabbing the megaphone and barking "ACTION!"

We now arrive at Candieland, more so like a mansion-styled version of the Brotherhood house. Zooming in on the main house slave and servant Bishop, a grouchy, sarcastic and rather irate older man, eyeing Pyro and Kurt ever curiously

"How did I ever get all this make-up on my face? I can barely blink, much less feel my mouth!" Bishop grumbled under his breath before getting in character as Pietro's carriage arrived near the main steps

"Hello down there!" Bishop bellowed joyously. Pietro turned and with a winning grin, replied "Bishop, m'boy, how are ya?"

"Yeah yeah yeah, hello, my bum." Bishop muttered sarcastically before asking "Who there is that mutie on that there nag?"

"Bishop, now what's t'matter wit' you, boy? D'ya been missin' me?" Pietro asked as Bishop cackled with delight

"Y'sun, I did. I missed you like, like a pig missing his slop, or-or like a baby missing his mammy's titties." Bishop snickered as Scott's eyes went wide on that comment

"He seems to be enjoying this." Jean droned, having awoken from her slumber

"I-I missed you like there was a rock in m'shoe!" Bishop chuckled before asking again "Now, now I ask you, who's that mutie on that nag?"

"Her name's Snowball." Pyro replied drunkenly. Bishop faced him, eyes widened "What did you says, boy?"

"Name's Snowball. Ain't a nag, either." Pyro replied. Bishop's eyes bugged and, lunging for him ranted "I's gonna remove yo ass from that murky saddle and…"

"Whoa whoa now Bishop, Bishop hold it. Pyro's a guest here." Pietro soothingly assured him, trying to prevent Bishop from breaking character, and, turning to our two characters "Pyro, this here cheeky mutie like you is named Bishop. You two oughta get along now, y'hear?"

"I's understand, Monsieur Candie. I's got it down pat." Bishop replied, uncorking a bottle of Marlboro

"HEY! THAT'S **MY** BEER! GIMME THAT, YOU UPPITY SON-OF-A…!" Victor started, lunging at Bishop before getting clonged on the head by Jean, with a sledgehammer in hand

"That's better. Continue." Jean replied, motioning Peter and Hank to escort Victor out

"Good now. Have the servants pull out the sheets. They'll be spending the night." Pietro started, as on perfect timing, Bishop then gulped loudly, sputtering out liquid like crazy- on a very unamused Logan, minus Scott and Jean (who were carrying umbrellas)

"Gee, thanks for that nice shower! I never knew Marlboro beer could be a good aftershave!" Logan snapped sarcastically, a snarl on his face

"WHAT?! He-He gon' staying in tha' big house?!" Bishop gasped, his voice in a wheeze after that spit take

"Yes, the guest room. Now do unto me as I do unto you, so say…" Pietro ranted, before a very irate Jean zinged a large white textbook at his head

"USE THE GODDAMN **(CENSORED) **SCRIPT, YOU IDIOT!" Jean bellowed, giving Bishop, Kurt, Pyro, and the entire set and cast a major case of the heebie-jeebies

"Batman100, enough with the idioms! Just get with the story, or it's curtains! Comprende?" Jean snarled

Ok, Ok, sheesh. Take a breath, lady, for goodness sakes! Boy, that Dark Phoenix thing was enough to send Mastermind packing

"I HEARD THAT!" Mastermind echoed loudly

Ay gevalt. Ok, ok, let's get on with this parody, for Allah's sakes.

"Now, WHERE IS MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER?!" Pietro shrilled at the top of his lungs over emphatically as a hugely glamorous Wanda entered center stage, with a loud bunch of catcalls and wolf whistles from the backstage

"'Ey! Knock dat garbage off, or I'll shove this thingie where the blinkin' Sun doesn't shine!" Lance roared, hoisting a trident with a crazed gleam in his eyes. That shutted the hecklers up

"Pyro, Wagner, this beautiful, ever-lovely Southern mutie belle is my dearly widowed sister Miss Wanda Lee Candie-Maximoff." Pietro boasted, kissing Wanda's hand before kneeling down to kiss her feet

"Knock it off! Disgusting!" Wanda hissed, thwacking Pietro up the head, as he bounced down the stairs to come flat on the ground

"and CUT!" Jean announced as the cast breathed a loud sigh of relief "Pietro, you ok?" Jean asked, helping him up

"I can't feel my bingo." Pietro dazedly replied, before falling to the ground again with a loud dismal thud

"Wanda, have you **ever** considered taking him to a mental health clinic?" Scott asked worriedly, as he watched Pietro scrawl strange Egyptian letters on the stagehand desk, cackling like a madman

"After this parody, I'm more thinking of an **insane** asylum. Ever heard of Arkham?" Wanda proposed

**References**

"**I can't feel my bingo." A quote from the comedy We're the Millers**

**Hope you enjoyed Chapter 7! Chapter 8 should be published!**


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